30-somethings jealous of children for being able to go in ball pools


A growing number of adults in their thirties are suffering from a condition known as infant ballpool envy – meaning that despite their age, they are jealous of children for being able to go in ball pools.

The cause of the unusual condition is being put down to 21st century adult’s over-dependence on technology for mental stimulation. Dave Hilton told Scoop Alley: “Online banking, viral videos, interactive games, I’m fed up of all this stimulation. Why can’t I find any real joy in life anymore, like when I was a kid diving into a pool of plastic balls?”

Childless Andy Farrell told us: “I was at a loose end and somehow found myself accompanying some friends who were bringing their kids to a play area.

“When they jumped into the ball pool the joy on their faces took me right back to my childhood.

“I had a sudden longing to be in a ball pool again – it meant everything to me. It got me thinking about some of the other things I’d love to go back to.

“I’d one day like to just buy a milkshake without any irony – without having to justify it by making adult pop-culture references about five dollar shakes.”

Farrell isn’t the only one. Man-child Pete Carter feels very strongly about it and thinks businesses are missing a trick in only providing the pools for children.

He told us: “It’s a fucking disgrace that adults aren’t allowed into the ball pools. They should stay open at night times for adults when the kids are having their tea – they’d make a fortune!”

However, Jane Richmond, who has actually thought it through, disagrees with Carter’s business idea.

She said: “When I take my daughter to the ball pool it’s wonderful to see how much fun she has and I have thought it would be nice to give it one last try.

“Yet I know I never will because this feeling is countered by the crushing realisation that if I were to go into the ball pool as an adult, any joy would last a mere second.

“I would then be socially obligated to spend at least a few minutes in the pool thrashing around, pretending to be re-experiencing that childlike glee, when really a bunch of adults in a ball pool would just be the most tragic thing witnessed by anyone ever.”

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