Britons can’t wait to work as car wash attendants after Brexit


Millions of Britons are excited at the prospect of getting jobs as fruit pickers, hotel cleaners and car wash attendants in Brexit’s Brave New World.

Recruitment agencies say they’ve been swamped with inquiries from people now that we look set to close our borders and put the Great back into Britain.

Applicants are being advised to get in early as competition is likely to be fierce once the EU migrants, who steal these highly prized jobs, are refused entry to the country.

Tom Battersby, who has been unable to find work since the last referendum on Europe in 1974, said: “I’ve always wanted a backbreaking job as a fruit picker but those migrants came in and stole my dream from under my nose.

“Successive British governments did nothing to help me but now, thanks to UKIP and Brexit, everything will be wonderful… although my back is a bit dodgy these days so I may not be able to actually go ahead but it’s the principle that counts: British jobs for British workers.”

Tom’s 40-year-old son Kyle, who’s been out of work since he left school due to the swarm of immigrants who moved into his area, says he fancies washing cars. “Mind you, I’m not having slave labour. It’ll have to pay at least twice as much as I get on benefits or you can stuff it. British jobs for British workers.”

Kate and William Roberts both work in banking so don’t need manual work but are delighted jobs will now be available for others less fortunate. Kate said: “I’m glad we’re getting control of our borders at last. I wouldn’t mind though if we could keep recruiting nannies from Poland.

“They’re really good with the children and, not that it’s a major consideration, they’re far cheaper than anyone we could get in Britain.

“Could we perhaps make an exception for key workers?”

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