Dictionaries to be cut in half as UK abandons French words after Brexit


Conservatives in Yorkshire are demanding that we remove French words from UK dictionaries after Brexit as they will lose their meaning and no longer be needed.

It’s estimated that 45% of English words derive from French after being brought here by a wave of migrant Normans who evaded British customs control in the 11th century.

Bumbling Boris Johnson welcomed the plan saying ditching redundant words would reduce the size of dictionaries, saving about £350m a week that could be given to the National Health Service.

These are some of the words identified so far by the Yorkshire Conservative Association.

Art nouveau – we don’t want any more poncey modern art that don’t mean nowt… we want nice classical paintings in ornate frames… fine horses standing majestically next to their traditional British owners… or packs of hounds chasing a fox… faithful dogs lying by a roaring Yorkshire fire.

Au pair – obviously not needed as they’ll be no more foreigners coming over.

Bon voyage – won’t be needed because why would anyone want to travel out of Yorkshire… unless their foreign… or daft.

Au revoir – we’ll say this for the last time to the foreigners when we leave the EU and then it can be retired for ever more.

Canapé – we will no longer eat tiny bits of food on sticks in a feeble attempt to look sophisticated… we’ll stick to proper manly snacks like pork scratchings.

Cliché – there are no clichés in Yorkshire… all our flat caps are slightly different and every whippet has a character all of its own.

Connoisseur – we won’t be needing experts in wine and fine living after Brexit… we won’t ‘av t’ brass, lass.

Créche – we won’t need bloody créches after Brexit… t’womenfolk will stay at home at watch over t’bairns.

Croissant – we won’t be eating that buttery nonsense anymore… throwing crumbs everywhere because the French can’t bake properly… eccles cakes will be plenty good enough thank you.

Escargot – well, this was enough reason in itself to leave the EU… trade with people who eat snails? Are ye mad lad!

Force majeure – that’ll be one of the first phrases to go… it’s never been anything but an excuse for EU insurance companies not to pay out on claims.

Parole – when we lock up criminals after Brexit we’ll be throwing away the key… don’t you worry about that flower.

Respondez s’il vous plait – you don’t have to ask some to respond in Yorkshire… if they don’t give you an answer you just give them a smack and no mistake.

Please feel free to help cleanse our language by putting your suggestions in the box below.

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