The completely sane and rational Donald Trump wants to assemble a team of Hollywood action heroes to destroy ISIS and restore his floundering election campaign.
Scoop Alley can exclusively reveal that Arnold Schwarzenegger, Liam Neeson and Jean Claude van Damme are among some of the names being considered for this special top secret mission.
It’s thought Mr Trump got the idea after watching a rerun of the old movie The Expendables, followed by a trailer for the new release, Suicide Squad.
Mr Trump said: “These films show some tough good guys kicking ass with some tough bad guys. Now, as you know, I’m pretty smart and I notice that these good guys always win…so I thought, why not take some of these all American good guys and use them to go find ISIS and kick ass there.
“This Neeson guy for example…when his daughter was kidnapped he was able to fly from the US to France and find her in less than 12 hours just by listening to some badass’s voice on a phone…not only that, but he was then able to walk unarmed into the bad guys’ heavily fortified compound, dodge a hail of bullets and beat everyone up with his bare hands. Now that’s that kind of get and go spirit that made America great.
“And take Arnie…why he can travel through time and repair himself when he’s shot…Jean Claude can take down armies with his high kicks.
“Now crooked Hillary has let ISIS grow powerful and she has no idea how to stop them…but I, Donald J Trump, I do know what to do.”
At this point, the interview came to an abrupt end as Mr Trump’s advisers hurried him away to take his medication and have a long lie down.