Kerching! Labour turmoil exposed as capitalist moneymaking masterstroke


Labour bean counters are delighted that their plan to turn the party’s turmoil into a money making machine has been spectacularly successful.

The scheme began last year when left wingers started to pay £3 to join the party to vote for Jeremy Corbyn. Labour insiders say it earned them a fortune but that was only the start. An official, who didn’t want to be named, said: “None of the MPs like Corbyn so it was obvious that there would be a challenge prompting even more left wingers to join to support him.

“With this in mind we hiked up the price to £25, ensuring we earned even more money during the coming election, which will satisfy no one whoever wins, ensuring yet more turmoil and more money coming our way.”

The move has brought admiring comments from several of Britain’s most ruthless businessmen. Richard Branson said: “If I raised my prices by 800% I’d be called a capitalist pig… these guys do it and they’re called champions of the poor… got to admire it really… Donald Trump couldn’t spin things any better.”

Some of the former smug investers on Dragon’s Den are also said to be interested in taking a stake in the Labour Party. Theo Paphitas said: “This seems too good to be true. We start off with a business charging £3 and then we up the price to £25 for exactly the same product and that’s acceptable? Count me in.”

A Labour strategist told us: “It’s a simple model really, create something so sh*t that the public feel they have to do something about it, then charge them through the nose for the privilege. Genius!”

Meanwhile, Labour chiefs are exploring more money making schemes. For example, there are late talks of a 3-for-2 offer being introduced, in which members can pay £50 to join Labour and will then be allowed three votes, as another demonstration of the party’s firm belief in a fair democracy.

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