Public confidence in Theresa May soared today after she managed to cancel her subscription to Sky in a record breaking time of only 55 minutes…and that includes the time spent finding the right number on the website and then waiting to be connected to customer service.

Even the most fervent Remain supporters were impressed and admitted that maybe she will be able to get a good Brexit deal after all. Sally Remoaner said: “I thought Theresa May was crazy to think the EU would abandon all its principles and give us everything we want but now I’m not so sure. If she can leave Sky that quickly then maybe she can cut a deal with Europe after all…maybe pigs can fly.”

Theresa May waving

The Prime Minister’s record breaking feat was performed after she decided that negotiating Brexit meant she no longer had time for Premier League football and tired old films. She said: “To be honest, I was getting a bit bored with football anyway…all that tippy tappy stuff cluttering up midfield and not enough chances created…and now we’re leaving the EU we don’t watch to be watching the Champions League anymore so I decided to take back control and leave.”

True to character, Mrs May prepared meticulously and had her account number ready and her security check information all memorised. She had also trained for the frustration of dealing with stupid questions from talking machines by regularly speaking to MPs at Prime Ministers Questions every Wednesday.

Mrs May had to endure the repeated offers of better deals from Sky and changes in service but managed to stay strong. “I just told them cancel means cancel and in future I want a red, white and blue service to make the most of the fantastic TV shows about there as we re-establish ourselves as Global Britain.”

After crushing Sky’s resistance, Mrs May then went on to contact her gym to let them know she would not be continuing with her membership, as she hasn’t been since she destroyed her shoulder muscles while trying to punch some sense into Boris Johnson.

Our hard-nosed leader was still not finished, and adeptly cancelled her Amazon Prime account on the 29th day of her 30 day free trial, for which she received a round of applause from her fellow MPs.

There are limits though, even to Mrs May’s negotiating skills. She’s decided to delay getting a new mobile phone contract until after Brexit. “That really is asking too much…I just can’t be arsed.”

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