O’Neill and Keane unveil their tactics to become the new Ant and Dec


Irish football’s odd couple Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane will make a shock move into television presenting this summer and believe they can oust Ant and Dec as the nation’s favourite duo.

Keane said: “Give me two minutes with those Georgie muppets and we’ll soon see who’s the most ‘cheeky chappy’.”

O’Neill and Keane have struck up an unlikely bad cop, bad, bad cop chemistry since becoming manager and assistant of the Republic of Ireland football team.

‘Mart and Roy’, as they will become known, have already secured the job of hosting Channel 4’s new sporting challenge show ‘Aim for the Big Man’ with rumours circulating that Niall Quinn will be the show’s resident ‘big man’.

Features on the show will include O’Neill using raw meat to try and calm Keane before he tears apart contestants with his bare hands.

Another regular sketch will see O’Neill will take 10 minutes to say what could said in 10 seconds as he struggles to find the word that ‘precisely’ sums up his feelings.

If Aim for the Big Man is a success, Mart and Roy already have plans to follow up with ‘Stick It Up Your Bollocks’ with Mick McCarthy featuring as a regular guest.

Keane said: “Me and Mart get on like a house of fire. He’s so clever. Sometimes, I start saying something and struggle to find the right words, and Martin chips in to help me out…although by the time he finds it, most people have left the room.”

O’Neill added: “Roy has this hardman image but nothing could be further from the truth. He has a certain impish charm and is so much fun to work with…and I’m not just saying that because I’m scared of him.”

When told that Ant and Dec, have long been the nation’s favourite cheeky television duo, Keane chuckled: “Not for much longer.”

Mart and Roy believe they can muscle in on the Geordies’ dominance, with O’Neill saying: “Obviously, Britain’s Got Talent and I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here are the long-term goals.”

When Simon Cowell was asked about the possibility of Keane joining his cash machine production Britain’s Got Talent, he shat himself, locked himself in his dressing room and has ordered Sunita to repeatedly sing Macho Macho Man to him.

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