It may be rubbish but it’s British rubbish.
Hovered my hand over the nuclear button today and felt a real power surge… wow.
Well, I didn’t literally have my hand on the button… there isn’t one…but I was the man in charge while Theresa’s on holiday… took over from Hammond as we senior ministers have to take it in turns when head teacher’s not here.
It meant I could have started a war if I’d wanted… not that that I want to but bloody hell, jolly exciting just knowing I could.
Very tempted to discover the codes for unleashing Armageddon… just out of curiosity… so I went to see the chap in charge at the MoD and to my delight, he said he’d been expecting me. Strange… he didn’t seem surprised when I said I wanted to know the codes.. he didn’t say anything and just gave me a letter.
It was from Theresa and she had handwritten in capitals. DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE BORIS… nuclear weapons are not toys so BEHAVE YOURSELF. I have left strict instructions with the Defence Department that you are to be told NOTHING, given access to NOTHING and that you must do and say NOTHING while I’m away.
Is that understood? Good. Keep a low profile, don’t fulfil any public engagements, don’t speak to the media, don’t suggest policy and keep your accident prone foot out of your sewer of a mouth. Love Theresa.
A little unnecessary I thought, but I took some comfort that she’d said ‘love’ Theresa. It means there’s hope.
I nearly threw the letter away but then I noticed there was PTO for Instructions… ah at last, there were important matters to attend to… not quite.
Would you be a dear and pop round to number 10 to feed the cat… and don’t forget to put the bins out…and run the hoover over those musty carpets… Samantha left the place in a terrible state.
Just got off the phone to Hammond… found out the press call him Box Office Hammond because he’s so boring… especially compared to someone as fascinating as me… couldn’t resist so I called him to tell him how appalled I was at the level of disrespect being shown to him.
He took me seriously and thanked me profusely for looking out for him… I almost felt guilty for taking the piss… but I got over it… especially when he started droning on about trade figures and currency levels… boring bastard.
Nigerian chap just emailed me out of the blue saying he wanted to give me millions of pounds if I helped him with a little admin work… seems a bloody good deal and I could use the money since I lost that half million on the Shakespeare book… I’m a little suspicious as it seems almost too good to be true… I’ll have some of my FO johnnies set up a meeting and get things moving.
August 9 – Prince Charles just phoned to ask if I’d help him stage a ‘bloodless coup’.
July 30 – Just got off the phone from Donald Trump… bastard called me at 2am
July 26 – Put British lives at risk for a laugh
July 19 – Theresa wrote F Off next to my name
July 16 – Turkey coup
July 15 – Just had an almighty bollocking from Theresa. All Gove’s fault…
July 14 – Rough as a badger’s arse this morning… just woken up. What was I drinking last night? What was I celebrating? Vague recollection of being in Number 10.