Dear Scoop Alley,

I keep waking up screaming with panic attacks…you must help me. It all started last year when my career was going nowhere and I was out in the wilderness.

Scoop Alley Helpline Boris Johnson

Then suddenly I spotted an opportunity to put myself back in the spotlight. Some of my more aggressive colleagues had bullied the boss into having a vote about whether we should ditch our biggest trading partner and go it alone. Well, that was total madness obviously but I thought that if I supported this crazy idea then my colleagues might like me and make me the boss.

The genius thing about this was that there was no chance we could win. It meant I could say whatever I wanted, promise everything and anything without there ever being any danger of having to deliver. I felt confident that I could support this nonsense, lose narrowly but still be a hero to my colleagues and then hopefully take over and get rid of the old boss.

The trouble is, we did win. How was I to know that people would believe my ridiculous promises and a few porkies I wrote on a bus! The problem is that cutting ourselves adrift from our biggest market is going to make us all worse off and put thousands of people out of work. Everyone knows it’s madness but it’s like we’ve created a monster and we can’t control it. Now it has a life of its own and it’s taking over everything.

Now, today, this moment…it’s happening. We’re throwing it all away.

I never meant any of this to happen but now everyone is going to blame me because I’m seen as the bumbling buffoon who conned everyone into voting for this disaster.

I only meant to blow the bloody doors off so to speak but now my life is a nightmare. I wake up every night in a cold sweat thinking what the hell I have done.

To add insult to injury, I didn’t even get to become the boss. My best mate stabbed me in the back and then the office nerdy head girl took over when I wasn’t looking. She gave me a job that means I’m abroad a lot out of the way and now spends most of her time picking fault with me and telling me to shut up.

You’ve got to help me Scoop Alley.

How can I shift the blame for all this on to someone else and make a late bid to become the boss…after all, I did go to Eton so I’m entitled.

Bumbling of Westminster

Dear Mr Bumbling,

We’d like to help but to be honest, we can’t be arsed.

You’re wasting your time. There’s no chance of you getting away with this. Everyone knows who you are, no one will forget what you did…you’re screwed up old mate, you’re damned for eternity. Good luck.

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