Pope anoints James Blunt as Patron Saint of the Persecuted Posh


The music world was reeling today at the news that singer James Blunt is to be honoured in an unprecedented move by Pope Francis.

Sources in the Vatican say the Pontiff is a big music fan and enjoys singing in his spare time when taking a break from being infallible. “His Holiness went down a storm on the karaoke at last year’s Christmas party,” said one insider who didn’t want to be named. “He does a great ‘Bat out of Hell’ and ‘Bad to the Bone’, but his absolute favourite is Christina’ Aguilera’s ‘Dirrty’ – and he knows all the moves.”

It’s understood that Blunt came to the Pope’s attention because of the way he has been attacked by social media trolls for his privileged background. He’s a former soldier from an upper class family but his worst sin is that he has an unforgivably posh accent.

Keyboard warriors have delighted in insulting Blunt on Twitter, wittily pointing out that his name rhymes with lady parts and describing him as a one hit wonder.

Throughout it all though, the much maligned Blunt has taken it all on the chin. In his Twitter profile he accepts that he is “cockney rhyming slang for the good stuff” and that he is “proof that one song is all you need”.

The Vatican has praised this approach of “turning the other cheek” as very Christian and announced that Blunt is to be the Patron Saint of the Persecuted Posh.

The Pope said: “These tweets insulting Blunt are unfair so I’ve told my cardinals to stop sending them… most of my crew are just ageing Led Zeppelin fans anyway… dinosaurs!

“From now on, James Blunt will be a beacon of inspiration to those unfortunates who’ve found that being posh is now out of fashion and, although prejudice is generally unacceptable, it’s still OK if it’s directed at the well-off.

“In return for this honour, Mr Blunt has agreed not to write any more songs like You’re Beautiful… I for one still hate it. I prefer stuff like All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor or Get Ugly by Jason Derulo… I love singing along to that one. God it feels good to be bad sometimes.”

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