Simone Zaza still dreams of becoming an Italian hero


Football star Simone Zaza is still aiming to be an Italian hero despite his batshit crazy penalty miss against Germany – although he might be forced to change sports, or even industries.

With the pressure on during the penalty shootout against Germany, Zaza forgot everything any coach had ever told him and decided to rhythmically stamp his feet on the floor as he approached the ball to take his kick.

Incredibly it didn’t work. Zaza skied his penalty with such force that the ball is believed to have overtaken the Juno satellite, currently orbiting Jupiter.

Now, four days later, Zaza’s feet have still not been able to stop repeating the ultra-quick short step motions.

The nonstop movement has started to cause problems in Zaza’s personal life. His girlfriend had to kick his arse out of bed and he is now forced to sleep on the couch. This has caused further problems as he tumbled down the stairs of their mansion on the way to his new sleeping quarters.

He then destroyed a priceless vase that was sat on a table next to the couch as he slept.

On the plus side, his pet dogs are finding him adorable and wondering what he is dreaming about when he goes to sleep.

Zaza is also finding positives in the situation and has not given up on plans to become a national hero.

He told Scoop Alley: “While that defeat was the worst night of my life and I have now fallen out of love with football, it has opened a new door. If my feet don’t stop moving I am planning to swap sports.

“My condition will help me to be a natural in long distance cycling. When everyone else gets tired I can power through the night. I will become a national hero again by winning the Giro d’Italia.

“I am also planning to open my own vineyard and put Italian wine back on the map. No one will be able to crush as many grapes as me and my productivity – and reputation – will soar as high as my penalty.”

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