Why I Love the Daily Mail


I love the Daily Mail because I know it will not fail
To give me all I need to feed my prejudice and greed
I despise the BBC because as any fool can see
It’s run by gays and hacks who just want to publish facts
That’s not why I pay my licence.

How dare you call us dullards just because we don’t like coloureds
With their booming incar speakers… and as for asylum seekers!
I don’t like single-mothers, nor our striking union “brothers”
Nor lefty rabble rousers… nor women who were trousers
That’s so unfeminine.

I’m in love with Lady T, she’s the only girl for me
I loved her handbag style and she helped me make a pile
I like small minded ways and my cushy job that pays
I like to do things right, I like my neighbours to be white
It gives the area a better tone!

I’m nobody’s fool, I send my kids to public school
So they’ll turn out just like me and flaunt their wealth for all to see
Having made it to the top I want mobility to stop
If you climb the greasy pole I’ll push you back in your hole
It’s where you belong anyway.

It really is erroneous to say I’m sanctimonious,
And I simply must insist that I’m not a misogynist.
It’s just I don’t like women bosses; they lead to business losses
I help them if I can, it’s not their fault they’re not a man.
Lady T was the exception that proves the rule!

I love the Daily Mail because it always has a tale
That spreads some wild hysteria and makes me feel superior
It tells me what to think and say, who’s to blame and who should pay
It tells me who to spurn and hate, if we’re to make our Britain great
So let me spell it out.

Let’s ban the scrounging migrant workers, single-mums, teenage shirkers
Intellectual trendy thinkers, anyone who won’t wear blinkers
Vegetarians, trendy vicars, women bosses and Labour stickers
Everyone who’s LBG or T, in short, anyone who’s not like me
The world will be better for it.

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