I’m feeling as excited as a YTS kid who gets to clean the shit off the club captain’s boots as the Premier League opening day is almost upon us.
Not that the kids these days do that sort of thing. They’re mollycoddled and it’s why they don’t develop the character needed to perform when the going gets even marginally tough in a major tournament.
If the clubs won’t do it anymore maybe I’ll have to. I could get the likes of Rashford and Stones cleaning up after Andy Carroll and Ryan Shawcross. It’ll make men of them.
Having said that though, it’s not just the youngsters, we’ll need to get the whole squad doing these sort of chores. Then maybe their testicles will finally drop by the World Cup in 2018.
Maybe I’ll send Wilshere out when we need some shopping (but no cigarettes), Joe Hart can wash my backroom staff’s hair and Sturridge can go down to the local youth club to teach them his only dance move.
While I’m looking forward to the start of the season, I must say I’ve also been enjoying the Olympics. I’ve been interested by the red marks on the bodies of Michael Phelps and some of the other athletes.
They get it from pressing a warm glass jar on their skin and the suction results in the red bruises. They do it to increase blood flow to the skin in order to relieve aches and pains in muscles after strenuous exercise.
It’s fascinating and do you know what? It’s a load of old bollocks. My science mates say that it only has the same positive effects as a placebo – there are no physical benefits.
Might be worth keeping in mind though come tournament time if I haven’t been able to get the little bastards to do all those chores.
Friday 5 August – A pleasing development today as a superstar from yesteryear has declared that he wants to join the good ship Allardyce.
Thursday 4 August – I love Fergie he’s my best friend, we see each other as equals. I call him Fergie, not Sir Alex, and he doesn’t mind.
Wednesday 3 August – I sent the boys in the squad an email today to introduce them to the new boss man. Very clever as it served a dual purpose.
Monday 1 August – It’s been a productive day, giving the old noggin a heavy workout with one of my intellectual pals.