I sent the boys in the squad an email today to introduce them to the new boss man. Very clever as it served a dual purpose.

Obviously I wanted to open communication channels and assure them that they’re in my plans for the qualifiers (top man-management)… but also I want them to know that I’m not a Neanderthal who can’t use a computer, as some in the media might like to portray me.

Big Sam's England Diaries

Sadly it seemed they might be right as I didn’t get any reply for hours. Just as I thought I must have forgot to press send I got a response from Burnley goalkeeper Tom Heaton.

So the rest of them can’t be bothered. I hope they like running through waist high nettles with their cock and balls out.

Heaton said he was ‘enthused’ to have received my email – well isn’t that fucking nice of him! Enthused! He should be dancing on air that the England manager even knows who he is. No other bastard outside Burnley has ever heard of him!

But at least he replied. He might become my eyes and ears in the dressing room. Note to self – potential captain material.

I’m still trying to put my backroom team together. Robbie Savage would be perfect if he was English, but I’ve got other ideas.

I’m going to show the press I am my own man by bringing in Kevin Davies to coach my strikers. He will be ideal for ironing out all that running with the ball nonsense and letting the likes of Marcus Rashford and Daniel Sturridge know what I’m after.

It might be too late for fancy Dan Sturridge but we could make a battering ram out of Rashford yet.

Previous entries

Monday 1 August – It’s been a productive day, giving the old noggin a heavy workout with one of my intellectual pals.

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Father disgusted with son’s choice of motorway for long journe

The secret diaries of Bumbling Boris Johnson

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