MPs were red-faced with embarrassment today when a chimp typing randomly on a laptop produced a better Brexit plan than the government.
Ministers are refusing to confirm the plan’s existence amid fears that the story may reflect badly on politicians who’ve spent three years squabbling among themselves without coming up with anything except a few incomprehensible squiggles on the back of an envelope.
However, sources inside parliament have admitted to Scoop Alley that the chimp’s plan is brilliantly clever and could be a way forward, if only politicians could come to terms with being outwitted by an animal.
That, however, doesn’t seem very likely, as MPs on all sides were reluctant to accept anything that deviated even 1% from their own purist version of Brexit.
Boris Johnson said ‘chimp’s plan is too complicated’
Boris Johnson skimmed thought the first paragraph of the plan but got bored, saying it was too complicated for him to understand and there were no unicorn promises so he couldn’t be bothered to read anymore. He also dismissed the idea that the chimp was “jolly clever” after it was revealed that it had been helped by its 9-year-old owner. “We could all be clever if we got that kind of assistance,” Johnson snorted while ruffling his hair for the cameras.
Nigel Farage said he would have to run the plan past Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin before deciding whether it was any good, but his initial reaction was he didn’t like it because he hadn’t thought of it himself. It also failed to give the Americans enough power over Britain so didn’t really deliver on his pledge to “take back control”.
Farage then branded the chimp a traitor who should never have been allowed into the UK in the first place. No one could understand the reason for the accusation, but it got a wild round of applause from Farage’s supporters.
Michael Gove dismissed the chimp as an elitist expert
Michael Gove said the plan should be dismissed because the chimp had used facts and evidence, so he was obviously an expert and the British people are fed up with that sort of thing.
Jeremy Corbyn said he was both in favour and opposed to the chimp’s plan as it was important to bring the country together by saying something that would appeal to both Remainers and Leavers. He added that Labour would make its position clear on the chimp’s plan by getting Keir Starmer to insist it should be put to a People’s Vote and getting Barry Gardiner to insist that it shouldn’t.
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said she was unhappy because the plan made no mention of a second referendum on Scottish independence, but there was a more positive response from the DUP who said they didn’t care what plan was used as long as Northern Ireland stayed the same as the rest of Britain and could continue having hostile marches to intimidate Catholics.
Liberal leader Vince Cable also opposed to the plan as it had the word Brexit in the title and so was obviously unacceptable unless it was put to People’s Vote with an option to Remain.
Green Party leader Caroline Lucas said the plan had some merits but the real issue was why the poor chimp had been forced to leave his home due to deforestation in Uganda. She will now lead a campaign to prevent further destruction of wildlife habitats.
Change UK said they hadn’t read the plan because they never get any coverage in the media and so hadn’t expected to be asked to comment.
The chimp’s Brexit plan will now be put a vote in the House of Commons. When it is rejected, Theresa May will bring it back again and again from now until the end of time.