Statement by the Right Confusing Jeremy Corbyn
Some people say they’re unsure about Labour’s position on whether there should be a People’s Vote on any Brexit fudge we cook up with the government.
I can’t imagine why there should be confusion because we’ve been clear that we respect the referendum decision while at the same time as being quite happy to overturn it if that will get us more votes.
Let me explain. Labour is the party for the many, not the few. It’s important that we have something for everyone.
Look at the other parties; the Brexit Party, for example. All they want is leave the EU. So where does that leave someone who wants to remain? They have nothing to offer you.
Then there’s parties like the Lib Dems, the Greens and the lowest of the low, Change UK. They just want to remain in the EU. Where does that leave people who want to leave? They have nothing to offer you.
Which brings us back to Labour.
We are the party for the many not the few and so we make cleverly tailored statements that have something for everyone. For that reason, I can confirm that we are both for and against a People’s Vote, depending on what you want to hear.
That’s why we’ve given you two options so you can choose your favoured Labour Brexit position:
Ok, the Leave campaign broke the rules, told a bus full of lies and frightened people with scare stories about migrants and refugees…and yes, there was Russian money…oh yes, and dodgy data from Cambridge Analytica but…whatever…I’ve never understood all that computer stuff…I prefer my allotment…so we’ve decided to let bygones be bygones so we can move on with delivering Brexit.
You might hear some troublemakers in our party saying that more than 75% of Labour voters support the EU and want a People’s Vote with a Remain option but let me make it clear, that 75% don’t matter as much to us as you, the wonderful working class 25% who want to leave.
In any case, we’re confident that most of those 75% will vote for us anyway as otherwise they’ll let the Tories in and they don’t want that, so stuff them.
On the other hand, we know that the 25% of working class Labour voters will support UKIP or the Brexit Party if they suspect we support staying in the EU, so we can’t say stuff them.
There is the added problem that most of these 25% tend to despise me because the Sun told them I’m a trot who supports the IRA, but I’m hoping that if they see more photos of me in my allotment, they’ll realise I’m just another working class chap like them.
If you would like more vague assurance like this, please listen to our Brexit leaning spokespeople like Barry Gardiner, John McConnell and Rebecca Long Bailey.
On no account pay any attention to loose cannons like Tom Watson or Keir Starmer.
Let me make it perfectly clear that Labour is keeping all options open including a People’s Vote…eventually.
First, we have to jump through a few hoops to keep the Labour leavers quiet. For this reason, we’re demanding the government gets a trade deal that will pass our six tests to deliver the exact same benefits as being in the EU.
But don’t worry Remainers, these tests are impossible to pass so when the government fails, we’ll be in a perfect position to demand a People’s Vote…that is, right after we see whether we can reach an agreement on a deal in our talks with the government.
But when that fails, we’ll definitely call for a People’s Vote…right after after we’ve tried to get a General Election…. but when that fails, we’ll definitely call for a People’s Vote…unless…we can think of another stalling tactic by then.
So you see, you have nothing to worry about. Labour supports a People’s Vote.
If you want more assurances on Labour’s position, make sure you only listen to people like Tom Watson and Keir Starmer. On no account listen to loose cannons like Barry Gardiner, John McConnell or Rebecca Long Bailey.
By the way, did I mention that Labour is for the many not the few? Very important to get that across. Must dash…need to get my runner beans in.