Cricket has announced its retirement from sport after finally realising how painfully dull it really is.
The 516-year-old from Kent said it was living a lie and could no longer justify taking up peoples’ precious time.
Cricket said: “I took a long hard look at myself which caused me to fall into a coma.
“Things have changed since I started when there was no football, rugby, boxing, basketball, TV, Netflix, PlayStations, Xbox, YouTube, iPhones, internet, foreign holidays and online gambling.
“It became a question of ethics. What right do I have to expect decent people to follow something as slow and tedious as me? Life is far too short.
“I have always prided myself on my bloody strong sense of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct and the time has come to practice what I preach. That means releasing my fans from my clutches and giving them a chance to get a life.
“If anyone has actually been ‘hit for six’ by this news then I can only apologise – and introduce them to my good friend golf.”
Cricket added that it was looking forward to retirement and finally being able to absorb itself in the football – without needing to worry about the dreaded return to training interrupting the climax of the Premier League season.