Donald Trump has just offered to build me a wall in Ireland…blond boy power

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The secret diaries of Boris Johnson

These extracts are from the summer of 2016 at the height of Donald Trump’s presidential election campaign. At the time, Trump was polling high for domestic issues in the US but there were concerns about his experience in Foreign Affairs. It appears he tried to rectify that by reaching out to Bumbling Boris who, to the astonished amusement of everyone across the world, had been appointed UK Foreign Secretary by the new Prime Minister, Theresa May. It’s thought Trump may have been attracted to Boris because they have similar hairstyles.

July 30, 2016

2am in the morning

Just got off the phone from Donald Trump…the doltard called me at 2am when I was in the middle of a beautiful dream with Theresa coming on to me with that coquettish look of hers and just as she was about to…ring, ring, it’s Trumpers crashing me out of my reverie.

Turns out he’s looking for my support. He says he’ll build us a wall across the Northern Ireland border and make Mexico pay for it if I come out in support for him to show he’s got friends abroad and isn’t lacking experience in foreign affairs.

Well I can understand him coming to me to add some gravitas to his presidency but I’m not sure about the wall between the North and the Republic…it might be better if he built it between Catholic and Protestant areas to keep Paddy and Billy from scrapping…still a lot of tension there…might put me in line for the Nobel Peace Prize…bloody deserve it keeping Gove and Mogg apart.

Anyway, I’ll run it past Theresa but better tread carefully because I think she might fancy Trump more than me…don’t want to give him any advantages.

Still half asleep…just seen a headline about the world’s most desirable man…thought they meant me but it was some Irish chap called Jamie Dornan…I’ll make sure he’s the wrong side of the wall if we build it.

July 31

Opinion poll out today show 50% of public think I’m a ‘fool and a liar’ while another 50% think I’m a ‘liar and a fool’…maths not my strong point but I’m sure that leaves well over half who think I’m the dog’s doodahs… a resounding majority among the British public so a warm thank you to all my loyal subjects.

August 1

That Labour rag the Independent making a big deal today about some of my ‘blunders’ like mixing up Egypt and Turkey…just a slip of the tongue that anyone could make…but, don’t worry, I know the difference all right…Egypt is where those nuisance traveller people come from with their caravans while Turkey is the place that’s about to join the EU and flood us with millions more travellers…good job I got us out in time.

August 2

Toying with the idea of setting up a new double act with Liam Fox as the Dangerous Brothers, a la Ade Edmondsen and late Rik Mayall. Got the idea from an article in the Telegraph in which those Welsh chaps, Plaid Cymru, said old Foxy and I were a “double act of danger”…jolly nice of them to say so and I thought, what a bloody good idea…

I could do with a laugh after all that Brexit stuff and I can just see myself poking Liam in the eye crushing his balls until they’re even more minute than they are now…did a spot of acting at Oxford and we had some great ball juggling games with the Bullingdon club so I think I’d be jolly entertaining.

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The Secret Diaries of Bumbling Boris Johnson

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