The government has come up with a genius new scheme to reduce the childhood obesity problem in the UK – give out free cigarettes in schools.
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt came up with the masterplan to reduce the number of fat kids in our schools and relieve some of the pressure they place on the NHS.
Doctors and health officials had urged the government to force food manufacturers to cut sugar levels in children’s food and drink by 20% but this was dismissed.
Hunt explained: “We’ll ask manufacturers to reduce sugar on a voluntary basis and if they fail, we’ll pretend we’re cross and ask them to try again.
“If we do anything significant to reduce consumption of fatty foods it will hit company profits and we can’t have that… what’s the health of few million fat kids compared to the health of big business?
“Besides, we have a plan that help solve the problem and make the government a few billion quid at the same time.
“It is widely accepted that smoking suppresses your appetite and helps you lose weight, so if our kids are smoking instead of eating then they won’t be getting fat, and the NHS will be relieved from the strain of all these fatties.
“We do realise that in the future our nation of smokers will suffer from numerous heart and lung conditions and will require treatment in our hospitals.
“However, if we get these kids hooked on the fags now, they will have paid thousands in tax on their cigarette packets before any real health problems emerge, and the NHS will have had time to recover from being overloaded by obese patients… it’s a win win solution.”