House prices are plummeting in the world of the undead as ghosthunting tourists are disrupting and destroying what were once nice quiet neighbourhoods.
Afterlife estate agent Alfred Thistlehiggins explained how the problem has increased in recent years: “When the living cross over to the other side they need a place to live, just like everyone else. Unfortunately, in recent years there has been a vast increase in the living’s fascination with the supernatural.
“We believe this has been fed partly by the rise of the internet which allows any chump to make it rich if he captures one piece of undead footage on his iPhone.
“Basically, if the living get wind that there are ghosts living in a home, that property becomes a magnet for fame-hungry, thrill seeking jokers like Derek Acorah and all his simple followers.
“Next thing you know, the place is full of gawping tourists running through the house like rats.
“They don’t care about stepping in shit and slowly dragging it through the carpets, making sarcy comments about how shit and boring it is, acting like they’ve never seen a grandfather clock before, and letting their kids get lost and smear ice cream on the walls.
“If you’re that ghost home owner, how can you expect to sell? Who wants to live in a house like that?”
It has left some ghosts desperate to sell, and buyers feeling regret almost instantly.
Mansion owner Estelle MacDuff said: “When a mansion came on the market for a knock down price I couldn’t believe my luck. I sold my two bedroom house and moved straight in.
“I miss the warmth of the young family who I shared my previous home with. They wouldn’t take a million photos a day of a pair of curtains like a bunch of simpletons.”
“And the tour guides who dress as Victorian fops and talk utter shit about my home fill me with both pity and anger.”