Are you fortunate enough to have more money than sense? Have you made a pile and are now desperate to hold on to it but worried that your idiot son will waste it all when you’ve gone?
Are you at your wit’s end what to do with him. Worry no more.
Just send him to Eton. We specialise in turning the dumbest of boys into world leaders, with a sense of entitlement that can only come from having everything handed to them of a silver plate.
Just look what we’ve done with these imbeciles.
The young Boorish Johnson Esq was thick as a brick and had been rejected for the position of assistant village idiot when we took him under our wing. Just look at him now. Thanks to our hothousing techniques he became Mayor of London, Foreign Secretary, Leading Liar in the Brexit campaign and then on to Prime Minister.
Jacob Rees Smugg was all set for a career impersonating Walter from the Beano when we dragged him kicking and screaming out of the 18th century. He was never the brightest, but we taught him a smattering of Latin that enables him to present a veneer of sophistication.
Thanks to our expert tuition in double talk, he managed to convince thousands of people that leaving the European Union would not harm British companies, while quietly moving his own HQ to Dublin to avoid the damage caused by leaving the EU.
We always knew he was destined for greatness when he came top of the class in the hypocrisy exams. He’s now Leader of the House of Commons.
If you think that’s impressive, just look at this. David Cameroon wasn’t even clever enough for the role of TV’s Nice but Dim character, but we prepared him for greatness. He went on to turn a minor squabble in the Conservative Party into the greatest political crisis facing Britain for 70 years by calling an ill-advised referendum on EU membership.
How stupid do you have to be to do that, yet we still managed to get him to be Prime Minister.
We can do the same for your boy.
Many of the country’s greatest battles were won on the playing fields of Eton…not to mention a multitude of crooked deals on the old boy network.
As an added bonus of coming to Eton, we can inculcate your boy with fact-free right wing political beliefs that will soon attract the attention of American billionaires, Arab princes and Russian oligarchs, all willing to pay obscene amounts of money for political influence.
Buy your son a place at Eton and his future prosperity will be secured. We’ll provide him with advantages that will enable him to overcome competition from far more talented children from working class backgrounds.
He’ll never have to do a day’s work in his life and remember, there’s no level of stupidity that can’t be hidden by wealth, privilege, family connections and a leg up from Eton.
If you like this advertisement then why not follow those Scoop Alley chaps to see more. We’ll give you 10% of our fees if you send your boy to Eton…no riff raff mind you.