Jacob’s Top Tips for being Rich…no riff raff need apply

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Jacob's Top Tips for the Rich

People often ask me what they should do to become obscenely rich and I’m ashamed to admit that my immediate reaction is to think, well, if you have to ask you’ll never know, but then I say to myself… “No, Jacob, that’s a little unkind because you must remember that not everyone has had your good fortune of being born with a silver spoon up their bottom with a nanny to twist it around so delightfully…so try to be a little more understanding and give the little people a taste of that spoon after you’ve used it.”

It will make no difference, of course…they won’t understand the mysteries of wealth and will remain poor, scratching out a miserable existence as befits their low birth, limited intellect and hopeless station in life, but, nevertheless, a few insights from a superior being may still give them a little hope and help them forget for a while the spirit crushing ennui of their tedious, pointless little lives…Spes oritur ut aeterna

So here goes, my top tips for becoming fabulously rich.

Be born into a wealthy family

Of course, it is possible to start with nothing and go on to be obscenely wealthy but it’s frightfully difficult and involves lots of rather tedious hard work; the kind of thing that East End barrow boy Alan Sugar did. I won’t call him Lord Sugar as such noble nomenclature should not be soiled by such a person

No, I think you’ll find it’s much better if you have the foresight to be born into a wealthy family, so you can inherit millions and therefore get off to a good start.

Ensure you go to the right school

Of course, there’s only one school worth going to and that is Eton. There you will develop a sense of entitlement that is essential if you want to be wealthy. Just think about it for moment, making large amounts of money invariably means exploiting people. That could cause pangs of conscience, but these are easily overcome if you’ve been taught at school that you’re a superior being who deserves to have wealth and power not afforded to inferior beings. This will, of course, spark some jealousy among those vulgar classes who think everything should be done on merit…but, whatever, illa anima est.

Read daddy’s book

It’s all about how to create chaos and then make money from it…it’s a frightfully good read.

A fabulous book. I can’t recommend it highly enough. You won’t be able to understand it of course because it contains difficult concepts and you need to start with a fortune to invest for it to benefit you in any way. Nevertheless, it will give a sense of excitement for a while watching how the other half live…buying a copy will also add to my family’s wealth without any risk of you actually using daddy’s techniques because, although the book gives away some priceless family secrets, you won’t understand any of them and so will be unable to benefit. Of course, you won’t want to admit that you don’t understand them, so you won’t ask for your money back. You will even wish to pretend you do understand the book by praising it to your friends to look sophisticated, thus enabling us to sell more copies and make even more money.

Are you starting to realise yet that you’re out of your depth? Read on.

Learn how speak Latin

Yes, I appreciate that there is no chance of you doing this but you asked for my advice and this is a key point. If you smatter a few Latin phrases into your conversation, uneducated people will think you are clever and look up to you; educated people will know you are not clever, but they will assume you are upper class and well connected and therefore they too will look up to you.

The wealthy will see all these people looking up to you and, when added to your ponderous speech and affectation of gravitas, presume that you are wise and shrewd. They will think that you are doing them a favour by investing their money for them. This is the key step on your road to success. Now, the final coup de grace!

On no account do any work

If you find yourself doing some work, then you are already on the road to failure. Rich people do not work; they get other people to do that all that grubby stuff for them. Therefore, you must hire frightfully clever chaps from the lower orders who are still naïve enough to believe that their superb talent will make them rich. It won’t, of course, but it has made me rich.

I shall have to stop now as Nanny says it’s time for my afternoon nap. I hope my little tips will help you, but in reality I realise that they will be no help at all. Quite the opposite. They will simply drive to you to depression and despair by giving you an insight into a world you cannot possibly hope to enter…because people like me have slammed the door shut and pushed away the ladder.

I’m sorry but I didn’t make the rules. I just make sure they work in my favour. Remember, vita est stercore…unless you’re a superior being like me.

Yes, coming Nanny. Oh, please don’t be stern Nanny, I got delayed talking to those common people. I won’t keep you waiting again.

PS If you found yourself googling translation services to see what the Latin phrases mean then you are a hopeless case who will never be rich. Do not read any of my articles ever again.

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