Michael Gove is lining up a team of celebrities who know shit all about politics to run his campaign to become Prime Minister.
It’s understood Joey Essex could become Education Secretary and Pete Doherty will be put in charge of clamping down on drug abuse.
The move is a logical step for a man who believes the country has had enough of experts and wants a fresh look at how to build a better, brighter Britain.
Mr Gove is now compiling his dream team before submitting it to Rupert Murdoch and Nigel Dacre of the Mail for approval.
Due to being such a hated man, Mr Gove has needed to take the unprecedented step of inviting popular celebrities to join his cabinet – in lieu of experts.
Mr Gove has previous as an expert-sceptic. As Education Secretary he did everything in his power to prevent teachers from helping their pupils realise their potential to one day become experts.
He is now trying to put together a dream team to see him win the race to number 10.
First on his list is Terry Venables. Venables is England’s most successful manager in two decades, but had to quit due to problems with his business. However, he is well liked by the public and Mr Gove is hoping to appoint him as his Business Secretary.
Chancellor of the Exchequer is one of the most important jobs in the country and Mr Gove hopes to give the role to comedy megastar Joe Wilkinson. Wilkinson never gets his sums right when he’s allowed to try them on countdown but he’s just so funny.
The role of Work and Pensions Secretary will be offered to American star Gwyneth Paltrow. Mr Gove hopes Paltrow will win over female voters when she retells her stories about how much harder it is to be a Hollywood actress than a working mother with an office job.
Liam Gallagher will be asked to become Secretary of Defence – despite once being beaten up by German estate agents and coming home to Britain with his tail between his legs claiming he had been in an altercation with the mafia.
Other celebrities who can expect a call are Jodie Marsh (Culture Secretary), Pete Doherty (Health Secretary) and Joey Essex (Education Secretary).