English football hooligans are demanding an inquiry into whether their Russian counterparts have been taking performance enhancing drugs.
They say that the footage of the violence proves that the Russians were clearly on better quality coke than they were.
The English feel they fought heroically to draw blood from the Russians in order to get it tested but ended up losing far more of their own blood as they were out performed by their rival yobs.
While both countries face being kicked out of the tournament, the hooligans are unrepentant as they remember their golden rule– ‘it’s always someone else’s fault’.
Kenny Kipper told Scoop Alley: “Take a look at Russia’s sporting culture. Sharapova has been banned for two years, Povetkin had to cancel his heavyweight title fight and there are question marks about their athletes. Russians are just on PEDs – it’s in their blood!”
He and his mates then fell about laughing at his unintended joke.
However, the laughter stopped when thoughts turned back to their trials and tribulations. Terry Twat told us: “We can’t get any decent stuff down here. It’s not like proper British coke so we had to get drunk all day.
“Somehow the Russians knew to find us outside a bar. They must have got good stuff because they were able to out think us, which admittedly doesn’t take much doing, and out fight us. But it’s definitely not that they’re harder than us.”
As fans back home, and elsewhere in France, hang their heads in reflected-shame the yobs are again unrepentant. “Those ‘so-called fans’ should think of St George and be here with us fighting strangers for Queen and country.
“We’ve taken it upon ourselves to represent this country even though nobody – absolutely nobody – wants us to. We don’t know why we’re not national heroes, it’s a disgrace.”