Well that was f**kin scary – Captain Rooney’s just crash landed our plane!

Big Sam’s England diaries – August 19th

I should have put my foot down when Wayne asked if he could fly us home, but I don’t like telling him what to do and I was on such a high after the win I said yes.

It was a bit of a bumpy ride but we were all so pissed up we didn’t notice anyway.

That was until Wayne clipped a house and knocked the chimney pot off the roof. I could see the headlines in the papers so I quickly got all the lads to sign a shirt and we paid the fella off with that.

Letting Wayne play in midfield did create a problem for me though as all the players wanted to try out a new position. Joe Hart came up telling me he thought he could do a job at number nine, and Danny Rose fancied a stint between the sticks.

They both have got more international experience than me so I will try them out in training and see how we go.

Even Lallana is telling me he wants to be given a free role now he has his first goal. I thought it was a good achievement until I released it was his 27th cap!

Who knew he had played that many times for England? I suppose the mark of a great player is that you barely notice them – or is that referees? I’m so excited by the win I’m forgetting my clichés, can’t have that. Maybe Adam could pick up a whistle when he finally hangs up his boots.

I texted Fergie for advice cos I feared I was losing my authority over the players. He told me to make an example of someone so once we’d been rescued from the runway, I gave a bollocking to Michail Antonio in front of the players, he has no international experience so I knew he couldn’t answer back.

The squad seemed suitably impressed and Antonio didn’t even dare turn around and look at me, he just kept bopping away to his headphones. Scared stiff!

That should keep them all in line.

I had planned to show the players the film Ali on the coach back to Burton to give them some inspiration but Wayne wanted to watch Shrek III on DVD so we did that instead.

I felt a meeting to thank the players for their efforts was appropriate so I pulled Wayne to one side to ask what sort of thing the England manager usually said.

He told me that after a win, the boss always hires a gentlemens’ club for the night so that the players can bond.

“Team spirit is very important boss, oh and we’ll need your credit card” he told me.

If it was good enough for Sirs Alf and Bobby, then it’s good enough for Big Sam.

I got the old laptop out and googled England managers with a 100% record but there was nothing there, so I wrote a few hundred words to add to Wikipedia.

Wayne told me I could enjoy a few drinks with the staff so me, Sammy and Shakey just shared a couple of bottles of scotch in my office and toasted a great performance and great start to my reign.

I asked them if they thought I had got the tactics spot on to break down Slovakia.

“Yes boss” they both replied.

Happy days. Bring on Malta!

Previous entries

Friday 19 August – Sky bloody sports have really bollocksed me over this weekend!

Monday 15 August – Is there anything more glorious than a footballer throwing himself through the air to head the ball into the net?

Friday 12 August – Chauffeur driven Bentley with a drinks cabinet and mini-fridge in the back? I’ll have some of that!

Thursday 11 August – Excited as a YTS kid who gets to clean the shit off the club captain’s boots.

Friday 5 August – A pleasing development today as a superstar from yesteryear has declared that he wants to join the good ship Allardyce.

Thursday 4 August – I love Fergie he’s my best friend, we see each other as equals. I call him Fergie, not Sir Alex, and he doesn’t mind.

Wednesday 3 August – I sent the boys in the squad an email today to introduce them to the new boss man. Very clever as it served a dual purpose.

Monday 1 August – It’s been a productive day, giving the old noggin a heavy workout with one of my intellectual pals.

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