It may be rubbish but it’s British rubbish.
July 19 9.30 pm
Just discovered that Theresa wrote F Off next to my name and her flunkeys thought it meant give me the Foreign Office. It’s been all over Twitter.
Not great for the ego but still… I get to swan around the world insulting Johnny Foreigner…and I even get paid for it. Happy days.
Bit of a kerfuffle with the American press earlier today. Really! What has the world come to when you can’t call Hillary Clinton a sadistic nurse without getting into trouble?
It all kicked off at a press conference with US Secretary John Kerry (nice fellow but a bit up his own arse) and of course reporters are all trying to trip me up.
Some tedious American asked if wanted to take back remarks I made about Hillary years ago when I said she was like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital…
Got to admit, it was a bit of a googly because I stand by what I said but Theresa says I can’t insult people anymore. Dilemma!
Thankfully the fellow asking the question rambled on for so long that it gave me time to think about a good answer…although, I couldn’t actually think of an answer because I got distracted into wondering whether Hillary is sexier than Theresa…tough call… couldn’t quite resolve the issue because I was suddenly woken from my reverie by this American calling me a liar…can’t think why people keep saying that…
Thankfully, Kerry came to my rescue, saying he was looking forward to working with me because I was a smart guy…that seemed to quieten the media dogs…although Kerry did rather spoil it by saying “it’s called diplomacy, Boris…”
Diplomacy…the word sounds familiar…I’ll have to check it out.
Oh dear. Just seen Melania Trump is in trouble for ripping off Michelle Obama’s speech…thank you Melania for taking the heat off me if only for a few hours.
Decided against publishing my poem about Theresa being a good shag.
She’s got all head teacher like since she became PM and is just no fun anymore.
Some chap from the BBC came hounding me today claiming I’d written a book called “Pathological Liar – Everyone Loves a Fool” It was for some sort of comedy show apparently…
Well, I think the humour is based on a false premise because if I were a pathological liar, I wouldn’t be aware that I was lying so I wouldn’t write a book with that title would I…so I think the joke is rather on the BBC. I’ll keep the video though to show to Theresa…she’ll be impressed at how I remained so calm.
July 16 – Turkey coup
July 15 – Just had an almighty bollocking from Theresa. All Gove’s fault…
July 14 – Rough as a badger’s arse this morning… just woken up. What was I drinking last night? What was I celebrating? Vague recollection of being in Number 10.