My poem about Turkish president and goats sparked a military coup

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The secret diaries of Boris Johnson

This extract is taken from mid July 2016, shortly after Bumbling Boris had been appointed UK Foreign Secretary by the new Prime Minister Theresa May. Bumbling had long been known for both his sense of humour and his sense of self-importance, but it seems he may have overestimated his role in the abortive Turkish military coup.

July 16 11.30am

Fantastic. My poem about the President of Turkey getting rogerry with a goat has sparked a military coup. Yet again, I, Boris Johnson strike a blow for freedom and democracy.

Details still sketchy. My Foreign Office flunkeys are running round like picaninnies trying to get more information but I find Twitter is the best source…instant information in nice short sentences I can understand…and always accurate too…FO briefing papers are far too long.

From what I can gather, President Erdogan of Turkey is religious and not keen on democracy whereas the army is big on democracy and not too keen on religion.

So what has this got to do with me? Well, Germany has a law against making fun of foreign leaders, so it prosecuted a comedian for suggesting President Erdogan likes rogering goats.

Well that worried me…if we stop people insulting foreigners then I’ll be out of a job. So, in support of free speech I wrote this little poem, which I think is rather good though I say so myself.

There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera

Yes, I was jolly pleased with that but thought no more about it until it started appearing on Twitter getting rave reviews…anyway, long story short, it’s obviously inspired the democracy loving Turkish army to stage a coup…can’t blame them, who wants a goat rogering president?

I celebrated by putting out a tweet: Up yours Erdogan…and you Merkel for suppressing free speech.

Got a call from Theresa within minutes. Not best pleased with me. “Take down that tweet Boris, you moron …

“But it’s true I said.

“No Boris. It’s not true. He doesn’t…roger goats, the world doesn’t revolve around you, you didn’t inspire a coup, which in any case is failing..

“Failing, there’s nothing on Twitter about it failing…

“Check your FO briefings idiot. Erdogan is in charge, you can’t insult him and you can’t insult Angela…

“Oh it’s Angela now is it…girl power, whoopy do”…but she hung up.

Very disappointed in Theresa. Only been in charge two days and already employing censorship. Maybe I should write a poem about her.

There was a Prime Minister called May
Who was a pretty good lay so they say
But I wouldn’t know
Because I don’t have much dough
And as a Tory she says I must pay.

Maybe I should put that out on Twitter and see how Theresa likes it…shall I? In defence of free speech? On the other hand, quite like this cushy little number at the FO. Perhaps sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

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The Secret Diaries of Bumbling Boris Johnson

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