The Police have confirmed they will no longer deal with crime as they are too busy with their growing list of cover-ups.
A spokesman said chasing criminals had always been a nuisance because diverted resources away from fabricating evidence.
“The public can’t expect us to investigate murders and burglaries when we’re up to our eyes in covering up our failures from the past…not to mention the stitch up jobs we’ve got ongoing at the moment. We just don’t have the budget and so we have to prioritise the things that really matter…like saving our jobs and boosting our index linked pensions.
“We fought for 27 years to hide the truth about Hillsborough – it was a huge effort. Especially when on top of the Rotherham sex ring fiasco…now there are calls for inquiries into how we screwed up the Birmingham Pub Bombing and the Battle of Orgreave with the miners.
“If you add in all the little miscarriages of justice against minor scrotes across the country…well, there’s no time for anything else.
“From now on we recommend that victims of crime should carry out their own investigations. All they have to do is follow our example: spend hours writing down in what happened in a 20-page report, then file it away and forget all about it.”