UKIP leader Nigel Farage has resigned so he can run for cover before the shit really hits the fan once Britain leaves the EU. He also wants to focus on finding new scapegoats to blame for our problems once we put a stop to immigration.

Farage denied he was stepping down so someone even more obnoxious could take over and insisted he wasn’t being pushed out by UKIP’s only MP, Douglas Carswell. “I’m quite happy to bury the hatchet with Douglas… preferably in the front of his head. I’d never stab him in the back like Gove did to Boris.”

Nigel Farage steps down to focus on finding new scapegoats. Photo copyright Debout la France CC2

Farage said he’d won the referendum and so had “done his bit” for Britain. Now it was time to look to the future and prepare for the new challenges ahead. He said it was particularly important that Britain maintained its proud tradition of blaming everyone for our problems but ourselves.

“Soon, immigration from Europe will no longer be an issue…meaning we’ll have no one to blame and might have to take a good long look at ourselves and ask if we are actually the problem…that has to be avoided at all costs.

“Fortunately, now we’ve thrown off the shackles of that devil’s invention the European Union, we broaden our horizons. We don’t have to limit ourselves to blaming Brussels and migrants…we can blame anyone we like across the world.

“We can curse the Chinese with their cheap manufacturing base, we can blame India for producing millions of highly skilled graduates…we can blame the Japanese with the crazy work ethic. The possibilities are endless.

“Just wait until we get the Brits to turn on each other – heaven!”

Farage’s resignation only applies to the leadership of UKIP. He will continue his cushy job as an MEP, meaning he can keep his inflated salary and continue to butter up EU officials – that Britain now has to negotiate new trade deals with – by having a few pints in the pub before joining in the meetings and throwing his cringeworthy insults around the room.

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