A slobs help group has called on the government to fund a fruit and veg chocolate bar because it’s cruel to expect people to stick to the recommended 5-a-day regime.
They say if there could be a choice of bars tasting of greasy burgers or a packets of crisps that would be even more helpful as it would give our nation of fussy eaters even more choice.
A spokesman for Slobs Anonymous said: “It’s great hardship for people to have to eat five pieces of fruit or veg a day. Some fascist doctors say it should even be more. They obviously haven’t seent the trauma that can be created when a perfectly normal person is guilt-tripped into eating an apple when all they really want is to sink their teeth into a sugar filled donut. Some become physically sick at even the idea of eating an orange. Some break out in hot sweats at the thought of cabbage and cauliflower.
“It’s inhuman to expect them to go through this trauma just for the sake of a healthy lifestyle. The government has got to step in to help.”
Health officials say the call is tantamount to an admission that years of healthy eating campaigns have failed. One disconsolate doctor said: “It seems we have no choice but to give in to the slobs. People might be reluctant to eat fruit but they’ll guzzle down chocolate and burgers like there’s no tomorrow, which is ironic really because for many of them, there won’t be.
The stumbling block could be the reluctance of the Treasury to finance chocolate flavoured veg bars on the NHS.
A Conservative health spokesman said: “What, pay for fruit ‘n veg bars when we can’t even fund basic operations? You must be f…ing joking. If people can’t be arsed to eat a few apples and oranges now and then, well f… them.
Labour health spokesman said: “This is another example of the uncaring Tories who are prepared to sacrifice people’s health….actually, on second thoughts, I f…ing well agree with the Tories on this one. If people can’t be arsed to look after themselves then f…them.”
In an unprecedented show of unity, the Liberals, UKIP and all the other parties said exactly the same thing.
Floating John Matthews from Dunstable said: “So much for voter choice! No wonder so many people don’t turn out at elections.