The US presidential election was blown wide open today when it was revealed that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump had a mad, passionate affair back in the 1990s.

Clinton loves Trump

The revelation came to light as part of the FBI’s investigation into Clinton’s use of a private server to manage her emails. The messages ranged from boring government stuff to Hillary moaning about husband Bill and how he never did the washing up or helped with chores around the White House. “It’s a helluva big house,” said Hillary. “Bill never pulled his weight…he was too busy pulling down his trousers every time he saw an attractive woman.”

It appears that it was Bill’s infidelities that drove Hillary to have an affair of her own. She writes: “I was devastated by Bill’s actions…I needed a caring, sensitive man who could empathise with me and teach me to trust again…unfortunately, those kind of men are as rare as rocking horse shit so I had to settle for a gorilla like Trump. Well, any port in a storm.”

It appears that Trump ‘courted’ Hillary in the way he described in the leaked Washington Post recording: Hillary writes: “He just walked up to me, stuck his tongue down my throat and grabbed my p***y. I was a little taken aback but compared to my husband Bill, Donald’s approach was quite gentle…and you know, I did appreciate that his breath was fresh as he’d been thoughtful enough to eat a tic tac before assaulting me.”

Despite the unconventional beginning, their relationship blossomed…fuelled by their mutual love of money, power and prestige. Both saw the other as a way to progress their careers and for a while they worked well together. However, things quickly turned sour when both developed ambitions to become President of the US. Hillary felt betrayed. “I thought you loved me…I only put up with your brutal ways because I thought you would finance my campaign to be president.”

Trump was equally outraged: “But I thought you could use your political influence to make me president. Why else would I sleep with an old trout like you. I own Miss World for God’s sake…”

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…except maybe a narcissistic billionaire scorned. As with so many failed relationships, the couple’s love turned to bitterness and hate, leading to the poisonous election campaign that has seen them trade insults and slurs on a scale never seen before.

However, Hillary’s emails also reveal that their relationship may be unfinished business. She writes: “A sensitive observer may notice there’s still a slight frisson between me and Donald. Sometimes in the televised debates when I’m tearing into him, I feel he just wants to grab me by the p***y and kiss me and make things right between us…and you know, I think I’d welcome that…maybe when this is all over, there could still be a future for us.”

Clinton, Trump and the FBI have all refused to comment on the leaked emails. The investigation continues.

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