It may be rubbish but it’s British rubbish.

July 22

Seems I may have put British lives at risk by exposing a British spy for a laugh… well, you have to have some fun don’t you but the spy wasn’t best pleased… actually he wasn’t a spy, he was the journalist Dominic Lawson who used to be a big cheese at the Telegraph.

The secret diaries of Boris Johnson

I once published a piece saying that Dommers, a good mate of mine, was a secret service agent who gave letters to British spies so they could pretend to be foreign correspondents on assignment abroad.

I thought it was a rather jolly article but Dommers phoned me up spitting feathers saying he wasn’t a spy and I was endangering the lives of his correspondents by linking them to espionage. I said calm down old chap, I just did it for a bit of a giggle.

All happened years ago but now all the papers are making a big deal about whether I’m fit to be in charge of MI6… well, thankfully I was able to tell those journalists that roads come under a different department… so more fool them.

July 23

Very disappointed. Had to shelve my plans to write my masterpiece on Shakespeare… it’s supposed to be done by October but I’ve been too busy with Brexit and this bloody Foreign Office work. Theresa doesn’t make it any easier, always phoning me to bollock me… “don’t say this Boris, don’t say that Boris, don’t say anything without checking with a grown up first Boris…” how am I supposed to get any work done.

My publishers aren’t very pleased. Looks like I’ll have to hand back the half million quid advance. Bollocks.

July 24

Woken up this morning by a crowd of lefties singing “Boris, we love, you… outside my home. Quite charming… I thought I was being loved at last in the way I so richly deserve but when I looked out of my window they started shaking their fists… well, somewhat mixed messages, so I was a bit puzzled until I got my arse into gear and realised they were singing… Boris, we love EU.

Bloody stupid Guardian reading, nose studded, save the planet types… no problem. I gave them a beaming smile, let them hug a few of my trees and they eventually went off happy.

July 25

Daily Express just reported me saying I have no doubt that Europe will do as we say and let us have access to the free market while keeping out Johnny Foreigner… excellent… now all I have to do is convince myself… perhaps if I keep saying it as I go to sleep I might actually start to believe it… Europe will do as we say… Europe will do as we say… Europe will zzzz.

Previous entries

July 19Theresa wrote F Off next to my name

July 16Turkey coup

July 15Just had an almighty bollocking from Theresa. All Gove’s fault…

July 14Rough as a badger’s arse this morning… just woken up. What was I drinking last night? What was I celebrating? Vague recollection of being in Number 10.

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