It may be rubbish but it’s British rubbish.
2am in the fucking morning
Just got off the phone from Donald Trump…bastard called me at 2am when I was in the middle of a beautiful dream with Theresa coming on to me with that coquettish look of hers and just as she was about to…ring, ring, bloody Trumpers crashes me out of my reverie.
Turns out he’s looking for my support. He says he’ll build us a wall across the Northern Ireland border and make Mexico pay for it if I come out in support for him to show he’s got friends abroad and isn’t lacking experience in foreign affairs.
Well I can understand him coming to me to add some gravitas to his campaign but I’m not sure about the wall…it might be better if he built it between Catholic and Protestant areas to keep Paddy and Billy from scrapping…still a lot of tension there…might put me in line for the Nobel Peace Prize…bloody deserve it keeping Gove and Farage apart.
Anyway, I’ll run it past Theresa but better tread carefully because I think she might fancy Trump more than me…don’t want to give him any advantages.
Still half asleep…just seen a headline about the world’s most desirable man…thought they meant me but it was some Irish chap…I’ll make sure he’s the wrong side of the wall if we build it.
Opinion poll out today show 50% of public think I’m a ‘fool and a liar’ while another 50% think I’m a ‘liar and a fool’…maths not my strong point but I’m sure that leaves well over half who think I’m the dog’s bollocks… a resounding majority among the British public so a warm thank you to all my loyal subjects.
That Labour rag the Independent making a big deal today about some of my ‘blunders’ like mixing up Egypt and Turkey…just a slip of the tongue that anyone could make…but, don’t worry, I know the difference all right…Egypt is where those bloody nuisance traveller people come from with their caravans while Turkey is the place that’s about to join the EU and flood us with millions more travellers…good job I got us out in time.
Toying with the idea of setting up a new double act with Liam as the Dangerous Brothers, a la Ade Edmondsen and late Rik Mayall. Got the idea from an article in the Telegraph in which those Welsh chaps, Plaid Cymru, said old Foxy and I were a “double act of danger”…jolly nice of them to say so and I thought, what a bloody good idea…
I could do with a laugh after all that Brexit stuff and I can just see myself poking Liam in the eye crushing his balls until they’re even more minute than they are now…did a spot of acting at Oxford and we had some great ball tickling games with the Bullingdon club so I think I’d be jolly entertaining.
July 26 – Put British lives at risk for a laugh
July 19 – Theresa wrote F Off next to my name
July 16 – Turkey coup
July 15 – Just had an almighty bollocking from Theresa. All Gove’s fault…
July 14 – Rough as a badger’s arse this morning… just woken up. What was I drinking last night? What was I celebrating? Vague recollection of being in Number 10.