As lefty liberal whingers bang on about the crisis in the health service, your Soaraway Spun can reveal the real reason for crowded hospitals and patients on trolleys in corridor
Lazy nurses! Especially the foreign ones and those who voted Remain and are single mothers.
And the reason there aren’t enough beds is because EU and Remain voting nurses are using them to have sex every chance they get.
The Spun sent an undercover reporter into one of our top hospitals. What he found there will shock you.
The standard of nursing care varied to an alarming degree. Generally, we found that white, English nurses who voted Brexit and were married or in wholesome relationships did sterling work trying to keep the sinking ship afloat.
English nurses who were black or of Asian background who also voted Brexit weren’t too bad either but obviously not as good as the white ones.
Sadly, the whole NHS system was undermined by the whinging nurses who voted Remain and were single mothers, and those who arrived here as scrounging economic migrants from the EU.
Their standard of work was appalling. We can’t go into detail because this is a family newspaper (although if you want some salacious stories, we’ve got lots of gratuitous juicy bits on our other pages).
Let’s just say the foreign nurses were snaring some of the weaker willed English doctors into lots of naughty nookie when they should have been looking after patients. These foreign women will do anything to get their clutches into a white, British potential husband so they can stay in our green and pleasant land.
When the nurses weren’t trying to seduce a doctor, they were busy plotting how best to defraud the British benefits system.
Our reporter saw one lovely, white haired stereotypically idealised British grandmother with a heart of gold lying on a trolley clearly in distress. “Please nurse,” she cried out, quietly so as not to disturb anyone, her voice weak but brave, despite her obvious pain. “I don’t want to be any trouble, but could I have glass of water and perhaps a crust of bread? I haven’t eaten for three days. I survived the blitz due to my indomitable British spirit, but I just need some sustenance if it’s not too much trouble.”
The response from an EU nurse sickened our reporter despite his years of grovelling in the dirt. “Get it yourself you lazy old cow,” said the EU nurse. “Can’t you see I’m busy fiddling your benefit system which is wide open to fraud from criminals like me, even though we can’t speak English because we’re too lazy to learn?”
Then she laughed and said: “Ha, ha. When I’m not screwing your doctors I’m screwing your system. That is witty joke with pun, yes?”
The dear old lady started to apologise for being a nuisance but the nurse was no longer listening. She was offering filthy favours to a white, British doctor in the hope of cementing her place in our wonderful country.
Sadly, the doctor succumbed and while they indulged themselves and defiled a bed needed for the sick, this brave, noble, salt of the earth British grandmother passed away with no one to comfort or care for her. The whingeing lefties had nothing to say about her plight. Oh no!
Thankfully, our reporter was there to shed a silent tear and say a prayer for her on behalf of all fine, upstanding British people everywhere, especially the white ones who read the Spun.
We’ll bring more shocking stories in future reports but surely everyone must now accept that the NHS is fat and over bloated and just not fit for purpose.
What’s needed is to privatise it enabling us to cut taxes
for the rich, which in turn will inexplicably but magically benefit the poor as
well. That’s what made Britain great in the past and it’s what will make
Britain great again in the future.