Russia has given up hope of competing in the Olympics in Rio and decided to stage its own drugged up Games so it can cheat as much as it likes without any interference from the do-gooders.
The Drug Olympics of Performance Enhancers (DOPE) could give a new lease of life to shamed stars like Lance Armstrong, who sees it as the perfect opportunity to prove that King of the Cheats is a title worthy of celebration. Maria Sharapova is understood to keen to win the gold in front of her home nation.
Vladimir Putin reportedly grew impatient waiting for the Olympic Committee to make their decision on whether or not his steroid fuelled athletes could participate, so instead decided to create a rival competition celebrating his country’s chemically charged competitors.
The Russian leader said: “We are Russia, we do not wait for permission from other nations, we take what we want and we do what we want.
“DOPE will be the greatest spectacle of sporting and chemical excellence the world has ever seen.”
A spokesman for the Russian Athletics Federation said. “You westerners kill me, you really do. You have politicians like your Donald Trump and Boris Johnson lying and cheating their way to success and you suddenly object to athletes taking pills to make them run faster?”
Experts predict there will be countless world records broken. Russian sprinter Mikael Karanowsavic is likely to be the most high profile winner. The 47-year-old has reportedly being running sub-seven-second 100ms consistently in training.
The shocking news has created a huge stir in the sporting world, with as many as half the world’s athletes considering switching events.
One world champion who didn’t want to be named, said: “It’s a tough decision. Obviously the Olympic Games are the pinnacle of every athlete’s career, and there is no greater feeling than winning the gold for your country. On the other hand, carrying bags of clean piss around with you all day is not too much fun.”