Surge in searches for schoolday crushes before Trump starts WW3

World searches for schoolday crushes before Trump starts WW3

Facebook has been overwhelmed with traffic this morning as frustrated thirty and forty somethings search for their schoolday crushes in a final attempt to find happiness before the world ends.

The news of Donald Trump’s success in the US presidential election has caused many people to question their life’s work and wonder if they could maybe be happier if they had just had the nerve to ask out that cool kid they fancied all those years ago.

“I guess I’ve been a bit lonely since my divorce but if I could just have one night with Kerry Maguire I would be able to die a happy man” said 39-year-old bachelor Greg Commons.

“I haven’t seen her since 1993 but I found her this morning and sent a friend request. Who knows? She might feel the same.”

Married mum of two Holly Cartwright said: “I do love my husband and of course my kids, but I sometimes wonder what my life could have been like if me and Danny Martins had got together at school, He was so fit, he had this spikey hair and had his eyebrow pierced. I wonder if he’s still so hot.

“It can only be a matter of time before Trump is riled by a tweet from Russia or North Korea or someone.

“And then what? He’s going to be button bashing like a kid playing FIFA and it’s global nuclear armageddon.”

Elsewhere, there have also been countless cases of people simply standing up and quitting their jobs with many citing “they can’t do this anymore” and “need to see the world before it’s too late”.

On a more positive note, bungee jumping and skydiving companies have seen a welcome upturn in business as the public start to treat their bucket lists as something to actually do rather than just talk about.


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