The Secret Diaries of Bumbling Boris Johnson

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The engima that is Boris Johnson – one of the great Churchillian parliamentarians of our time? Or a bumbling idiot who shamelessly craves publicity no matter how bad?

Public opinion is divided…with Johnson himself thinking ‘Churchillian’ and the rest of the world thinking ‘bumbling idiot’.

Although Johnson glories in the limelight, he always tries to keep his personal life private. Friends say this is because he knows he is an untrustworthy charlatan himself, and so assumes everyone else will be the same.

It means he confides in no one and only shares his innermost thoughts with his diaries. No one has ever been allowed to see the mind-numbing tedium of Johnson’s inner thoughts, not even his wives…nor his mistresses, nor his girlfriends, nor his casual affairs, nor his one night stands.

The diaries might have remained secret had it not been for years of painstaking research and digging by the Scoop Alley Insight team.

Puerile ramblings of Adrian Mole wannabe

We discovered that several volumes had been stolen and copied by Russian Intelligence agents. At first they thought the puerile ramblings were the work of a teenage Adrian Mole wannabe practising to use big words, but then realised that some of the information presented could only have come from someone at the heart of the British government.

The Russians passed the diaries on to the Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, who was seeking asylum in the Ecuador Embassy in London to avoid being extradied to Sweden on charges of sexual assault. They told Assange to publish the diaries at a time when it would cause maximum embarrassment to the British government.

As it turned out, Johnson was causing daily embarrassment to the UK government anyway so there was never a time when Assange could publish with confidence that the diaries would create a scandal.

They consequently lay untouched for several years until they were uncovered by Scoop Alley investigators. We immediately began editing the diaries so they could be published as a matter of public interest.

One editor was rushed to hospital

It was a difficult and dangerous task. No one was allowed to read more than one page at a time of Johnson’s ramblings for fear that the tedium would kill them. One editor had to be rushed to hospital after accidentally reading two pages at the same sitting.

Finally, after months of tireless work, Johnson’s inane thoughts were condensed down to a form where we feel it is safe to reveal them to the public. Please exercise caution, however. Scoop Alley can accept no responsibility for any feelings of anger, outrage, disbelief, frustration or desire to explode that can be prompted by the contents of Johnson’s mind.

Diary entries

The Secret Diaries of Bumbling Boris Johnson

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