The Tories have launched a secret campaign to kill off millions of poor and elderly people by running down the National Health Service.
The plot, designed to make sure the Conservatives win the next General Election, was dreamt up by small team of cabinet ministers and wealthy businessman; codename Kill for Victory.
A secret document leaked to Scoop Alley reveals that the logic behind the plot is frighteningly simple.
The document states: “The poor and the elderly are the least healthy people in society. They’re a crippling drain on the NHS. It means we rich people have to fork out lots of the money to pay for the care of these scrounging parasites. That’s money we could be stashing away in tax havens.
“To add insult to injury, the poor and their elderly grannies don’t vote Tory… they nearly all vote Labour, the ungrateful… (these words too disgusting for us to print)
“The plan is to starve the NHS of money and annoy the doctors by messing about with their hours. That way health care is bound to suffer and a lot of these poor and elderly will die for lack of treatment.
“This way we get a double bonus: we save money on the NHS and we kill off Labour voters, ensuring a Tory victory at the next election. Genius.
“So, we made a great start last winter by giving the NHS the wrong flu vaccine… a masterstroke that killed off thousands… but we can’t pull that stunt every year. We need new ideas.”
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt denied there was any secret plot but said it sounded like a bloody good idea and he’d put it forward at the next policy meeting.