President Trump hasn’t only been getting rid of everything he can think of that was sacred to the Obama presidency.
He’s also been busy rewriting the laws of Christianity to bring them more in line the needs of modern day America.
The President said: “Jesus did a good job, unbelievable job, but let’s face it folks, it was 2,000 years ago. What else are we doing now that’s the same as we were doing back then? Right. A big fat zero, that’s what. That’s why I’ve updated things a little. I know Jesus won’t mind. I’m a big fan of his. I think if he were here today he and I would be great friends, unbelievable friends and I’d love to find a place for him on my team as one of my top back-up guys.
So here goes folks:
The Ten Commandments updated to make America Great Again.
- You shall have no other gods before Me…but after me you can have as many gods as you want, particularly if you start with Donald Trump, then money, power, America, the flag…
- You shall not make idols…except for the wonderful iconic images of Donald Trump that I’ve had made by cheap labour in China. I got them done before we slap the tariff on Chinese goods.
- You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. No, don’t take his name ‘in vain’…take it for a purpose such as making people think you’re holy and righteous so they’ll vote for you.
- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. That’s right, keep holy devoted to making money from dumbasses who go to church and put money in the collection tin in some crazy notion that they’ll be rewarded in the next life.
- Honour your father and your mother. Well obviously, you don’t want the old scrotes writing you out of their will do you?
- You shall not commit murder, unless you’re a police officer faced with an unarmed black man.
- You shall not commit adultery…unless you make sure there are no hidden cameras watching you, especially if you happen to in a hotel in Russia.
- You shall not steal…unless you’re a multi-national company or one of the billionaire friends I’ve appointed to office.
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour…unless it’s Hilary Clinton, court judges, the America media…in fact anyone who disagrees with Donald Trump.
- You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbour’s. This one we can leave as it is because, what’s the point in coveting something? This is America…if you want something you just go out there and get it…that said, lay off your neighbour’s male servant…we don’t want no gay stuff in modern America…better forget the ox and the donkey too…that’s way too weird. Stick to your neighbour’s house and wife and anything else he owns that you might fancy.