Labour strategists are working on plans to start another Iraq war if they win the next election as a way of conjuring up billions of pounds from nowhere.
They then plan to call a truce within hours of war breaking out and spend the newfound money on the NHS and other wasteful services.
Chief policy maker Harry Arbuckle explained the thinking behind the plan. “We’ve noticed that there’s never any money to spend on things that matter like health, education, social justice… yet as soon we go to war, like with Iraq, finding money suddenly becomes no problem and billions of pounds suddenly appear.
“We want to apply this approach to raise funds during peace time. We’ll trick the money into revealing itself by pretending to go to war. As soon it appears, we’ll capture it and trap it under a mattress and get John Prescott to sit on it.
“Then when we’re sure the money can’t escape, we’ll spend it on health and education before it realises we’ve tricked it.”
War is not the only money making scheme being considered by Labour. The spokesman said: “We’re also going to pretend there’s a financial crisis and the banks need bailing out – that should lure even more money from those offshore tax havens where it’s been hiding and we’ll be quids in for years.”
“Isn’t it brilliant…and they say Labour can’t be trusted with the economy!”