Sources close to Donald Trump say he’s furious that his backroom team have been unable to provide him with an Irish ancestor and has threatened to fire them unless they succeed.
The mop top maverick is worried that his lack of Irish roots could be a major obstacle on his route to the White House.
He screamed at his staff: “Hell every US president plays that top o’ the morning Irish background bullshit… it wins votes and Donald J Trump is all about winning votes.
“It worked for Kennedy, it worked for Reagan and hell it even worked Mr Bill ‘hey aren’t I a hero sorting out the Irish peace process’ Clinton… now Hillary is going to inherit all that Irish goodwill.
“I can’t allow that so go get me an Irish granddaddy… even if it has to be one of those little leprechaun guys…
“How hard can it be? I mean, if a Muslim loving, health care providing, Liberal black guy schmuck like Obama can have an Irish great, great, great, great, great grandfather… Donald J Trump wants one. Now find me one… buy me one if you have to.”
It’s understood seven terrified staff were injured in the stampede to do his bidding.
One brave but foolish adviser was shown no mercy when he pointed out that the task was impossible because Trump’s ancestry was purely Scottish-German. “There’s no f**ing votes in being f**ing Scottish German,” screamed demented Donald before head butting the unfortunate man and throwing him to his death from the top of Trump Tower.
Latest reports say the search is continuing. Meanwhile, Trump is preparing a visit to Ireland during which he will drink a pint of Guinness in a pub named after him by a local tourist board looking for a cheap way to boost trade.
But the highlight of the trip will see Trump having his photo taken with former presidents Mary Robinson and Mary MacAleese as they whisper Irish sweet nothings into his ear like ‘cúl tóna’ and ‘póg mo thóin’, Donald.
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