The Conservatives are to ban French words from the English language after Brexit and replace them with traditional Yorkshire phrases.

It’s seen as a way of re-establishing British culture and mores (sorry, ‘ways’) after we leave the European Union.

Tories to replace French words with Yorkshire phrases after t’Brexit

Bumbling Boris Johnson has backed the plan and believes taking back control of our language will help to restore national sovereignty and pride. He said: “Nearly half the words in our language come from French and that is clearly unacceptable if we’re to take back control as an independent nation.

“The Yorkshire dialect is the purest form of English so I am delighted to support this move. Who could fail to be inspired by such phrases as: mustn’t grumble…worse things ‘appen at sea.”

These are some of the words chosen so far with their proposed Yorkshire replacements.

A la carte will be replaced by ‘on’t menu’… which in future will consist of dripping, fish and chips, and roast beef and Yorkshire pud…so no more sushi…smelly cheese… foreign muck.

Aperitif…will become ‘before dinner pint’…it’s not right to mix your drinks so you may as well start as you mean to go on.

Au contraire…tha’s talking rubbing man!

Au naturel…becomes starkers…although it won’t be needed much as it’s usually too cold to remove clothing in Yorkshire.

Baguette…replaced by good old fashioned ‘bobby’s foot’.

Blasé…can’t be arsed.

Café…we’ll keep this as it’s part of British life but there’ll be a law to say you have to pronounce it caff.

C’est la vie…will become ‘appen as not and like as maybe…woss things appen at sea’.

Cul de sac…dead end…or the word brexit may come to mean this as well.

Grenadier…what? Grenadier is French? The word used to describe our wonderful soldiers is French? Well, all right, we’ll keep it but we’ll say it in the strongest Yorkshire accent possible.

Lingerie…bras and knickers…much more to the point, and besides, we like saying bras and knickers.

Je ne sais quoi becomes…I’m buggered if I know…

Joie de vivre… a tricky one this as there is no concept of joie de vivre in Yorkshire…the closest we can get is ‘mustn’t grumble…’

Ooh la la…becomes ‘eeh by gum’. For example, ooh la la, c’est magnifique…will become Eeh bah gum…that’s fair to middlin’.

Raison d’être…becomes ‘Yorkshire’…because that’s our raison d’être…and we don’t need to put silly hats on our ‘e’s either.

Soupe du jour…soup of the day, obviously….why did we ever need ‘soupe du jour’ anyway…it never added anything to the language and was just an excuse for posh French restaurants to charge extra for a bowl of flavoured water.

Please feel free to add to this valuable exercise in claiming back our language by adding your suggestions in the box below.

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