Michael Gove has revealed the real reason he didn’t make it to the final two in the Tory leadership race – he’s too sexy.
Mr Gove was able to reach the conclusion without the use of an expensive research team or polling organisation because he does not respect the opinion of experts.
Instead he turned to his wife for an explanation of his embarrassing failure. His wife told him that perhaps the Tory party were concerned that he had stabbed his friend in the back following their victory in the referendum.
She suggested that maybe some others were not impressed with some of the moronic things he said during the referendum debates, which made him – and therefore the Tories if they selected him – look ridiculous and stupid.
Another explanation that his wife offered was that the British public currently think he is a bigger piece of shit than Theresa May after their time in the cabinet and they haven’t had time to realise just how awful Andrea Leadsom or anyone else will be.
Mr Gove dismissed these answers as they were not what he wanted to hear. Eventually his wife told him that it must be that he is too sexy for the top job. Nobody would be able to concentrate on what he was saying as they would be too enthralled by the nerd-chic magnetism that he radiates.
He then realised that, of course, she was right. He told Scoop Alley: “It turns out I’m just too damn sexy for my own good. Women want me and men want to be me. I would have won the female vote by a landslide but they were too distracted by the thought of me and forgot to actually vote me into the final two.
“It’s a shame but I have faith in either of my colleagues to cause just as much damage to the British working class as I could have done. It’s a glorious time to be a member of the elite – and such a sexy one at that.”