Dirty office working parasites to be the new smokers


Office workers are to become the latest group to be stigmatised in the media after it emerged that it is as dangerous as smoking.

The reports on the lack of physical activity in offices causing health problems have given the government a wonderful opportunity.

Damian Green and Jeremy Hunt are the dream team who will look to capitalise on the issue and are licking their lips at the prospect.

Mr Hunt told Scoop Alley: “We’re looking at the smoking ban to find ideas on how to deal with this problem.

“We can’t ban office work as it’s a personal choice but maybe they should be made to go outside away from the rest of us. Maybe they should be made to stare at a poster of a really obese fucker to remind them of the risks of their lifestyle.

Mr Green said: “We’re also looking into ways that we could introduce a tax on office work, around 60% of its value. Not to the employers, that’d be madness, but to the workers. On top of their regular tax and NI of course.

Use of electronic/office equipment may also be banned in public places and employers could be given power to fire employees on the spot if they are caught using a smartphone in the toilets as part of an aggressive anti-office-work campaign.

Mr Hunt added: “Then of course we will tell the press what a strain these obese, lazy parasites are on the NHS and how we have no choice but to look into selling chunks of it off to the highest bidder. Well not the highest bidder exactly, just one of our mates.”

It is thought that stricter rules on office work could even lead to another EU referendum.

A government source said: “We will suddenly love immigrants again as they are prepared to do the shitty office jobs that Brits believe are beneath them.

“Also if we stigmatise office work and then get immigrants doing it, then we can stigmatise the immigrants as well. That’s called a win win, baby.”

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